11.26.24 – Yapping in Difficult Holiday Conversations by Marnelli Canosa

The later part of the year has always been my favorite. I’m a Sagittarius so it’s my solar return season, sunsets and Christmas light attractions are more vibrant, and there are plenty of holiday breaks, so I get to spend time with family.

But after hearing the results of the election this past November 5th, I’m trying to shape how my conversations will look with my immediate and extended family members. For the past year, I’ve led canvassing and phone-banking efforts to educate and empower voters. I also researched local measures and took stances on California’s statewide propositions. Door knocking and phone banking with LEAD Filipino allowed me to yap with a purpose.

With my personal circles, I’ve studied, analyzed, and discussed specific candidates at the national level and down the ballot. I formed opinions and positions based on my values and ethics. I took my yapping skills into my personal circles and continued to “canvass” with my homies. We know that all learning is social, so sharing my learnings, experiences, and insights with my close friends means a lot during this historic time.

I’ll be honest, the upcoming administration is not what I imagined. The message, platform, and figures do not align with most of my values, but I’m willing to learn for myself, educate others, and discuss, even with people who have turned in a different ballot than mine. This includes my family members. 

Before my current role with LEAD Filipino, I was afraid to talk about politics, social justice, racial equity, or current events. Growing up as the eldest daughter of immigrant parents, we don’t always see eye to eye on personal values, much less local and national politics. We would get into shouting matches that resulted in hurt feelings, frustration, and a tense home atmosphere (I’d like to thank therapy for helping me diffuse, process, and follow up again so my parents and I can both be heard in these conversations). This is a common narrative of other first-generation (perhaps, eldest child) friends in my circles and communities

I’ve also realized that the world I imagine and want to build with my community requires me to be politically literate and civilly engaged. Politics affects everything around us and there’s too much at stake to not discuss issues that affect you, me, and our community because we are all a part of it.

So when my tita or tito who posts partisan, and most times offensive, memes into our Facebook family chat and then asks me who I voted for, I’m using a game plan. The goal is not to shut them down, but to approach them with curiosity and dive a bit deeper into why they think and process news in a specific way. I’m also equipped with an exit strategy in case either of us get emotionally riled up. 

So as an Ate, I want to share some of my tips for surviving family gathering small (or big) talk when you’re conversing with a family member who may have different political views than you – AKA, how to yap safely when you may not feel safe.

• Approach dialogues with curiosity, not malice
• Know that your opinions and perspectives are equally important
• Give space, take space
• If you feel yourself becoming upset, know that stepping away is perfectly fine

• Use “I” statements
  • This tactic allows you to present your own views and ideas, instead of assuming the other person’s intent and values. “I have learned…” or “I believe..”. 
• Focus on 1 issue at a time
  • The art of redirection is a powerful tool! Some of my favorite transitions are “Earlier you mentioned [this], can you provide more thoughts on it?”
• Active Listening
  • I’ve noticed with my parents, they listen to respond as opposed to understand. An indicator of this is when the other party does not respond to key points or reasoning you have provided, demonstrating that they glossed over your statement and did not take the time to ask questions to further understand your standpoint. I’m trying to do the opposite, and I’m pausing in the conversation to process what they said. However, I also love my family and want to hold them accountable. If I’m hearing some statements that may conflict with my views, I’m mentally noting it so I can ask about it after.
  • Expressing that you have a difference of opinion creates room for them to also hear different [and valid] perspectives.
• Asking questions
  • In an era of misinformation, disinformation and information overload, there’s an overwhelming amount of perspectives, data, news articles and summaries to understand and verify. I love asking “Oh I didn’t hear about that, can you show me where you got that information?” or “What was the source of that story?” Media literacy is an ongoing practice, so it’s helpful to guide them when reflecting through a critical lens. 

• What issues are important to you?
• What role do you believe our government should play in addressing these issues or needs?
• Do you know anyone in our family who is affected by these issues?
• Where do you seek your news information?
• Why do you feel that way about [insert specific issue]?
• How did you come to that conclusion?

• Acknowledgment
  • Plainly state that those are their thoughts. “Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. They don’t reflect my own but I’m glad we were able to discuss.” 
  • My favorite affirmation is “Not my monkeys, not my circus”. Their actions and thoughts are not a reflection of my own. They are adults and they are responsible for their own actions, emotions and feelings. 
• Communication
  • This may include sharing your own feelings or thoughts. “I’m starting to get upset and need to process my own emotions right now.”
• Negotiation/Boundary Setting
  • If you find yourself being in a heightened state of emotion or you’re being asked questions that make you uncomfortable, you can decline to respond or engage further in the discussion. “I don’t feel comfortable talking about it here.”
• Safety Plan
  • You can redirect them so they talk to another family member, or you can mention that you need to use the restroom or want to get another plate of food. “Thanks for chatting with me. I actually wanted to get more lechon skin, but you can talk to tito here.”

• Emotional Regulation such as tapping, deep breathing, or meditation
• Enjoyable activity
• Journaling 
• Talking to community, friends, and family members who offer a safe space
• Reviewing your personal values or code of ethics

Conversations can get pretty spicy if you don’t have the proper boundaries in place. However, everyone does deserve to have their voices heard and I’m giving y’all tools to yap safely. In a way, this is your own form of deep canvassing, as you can discuss issues you care about. If you have resources and verified data on hand, you can lead them to easy actions to take after, such as researching on their own or talking to another family member about it. 

People won’t remember what you said, but how you made them feel. While we may not change minds, the conversation will help to expand minds. I’m mesmerized by people who know how to talk about their passions and issues they care about. Consequently, I end up doing more research on my own because I’m left thinking “ What were they really talking about that made them feel that way while talking?” And the hope is, these strategies can help you navigate those hard conversations if you do choose to engage in them. 

It always just starts with a conversation.

• De-escalation Resources
  • Crisis Response, Safety, and De-Escalation – Holistic Health Workshop Series (2024)
  • https://targethiv.org/sites/default/files/supporting-files/chw-cc-29-De-Escalation.pdf
  • https://deescalation-training.com/2024/05/de-escalation-techniques-mental-health/
• Communication Resources
  • In it together! Cultivating space for intergenerational dialogue, empathy and hope in a climate of uncertainty
  • https://jedfoundation.org/resource/how-to-talk-about-mental-health-with-your-aapi-parents-or-family/
  • https://www.healthright360.org/parent-program/asian-american-recovery-services/
  • Media Literacy and Mental Health – https://stopaapihate.org/community-resources/
• Sources
  • Mental Health – https://www.ywca.org/media-archive-main/blog/2021/05/28/supporting-our-young-people-during-mental-health-awareness-month-and-beyond?rq=mental%20health
  • https://thementalhealthcoalition.org/mental-health-support-young-adults/
  • YWCA